MATTY WANTS YOU TO WRITE!  by Matthew H. Jones

Any idiot can write and I believe that. I’m living proof of that fact. When I was eight, I witnessed a recess monitor get hit in the head with a nerf football. She made a very big deal about this and effectively got footballs banned from the schoolyard. Witnessing this big deal, I assumed she was significantly injured by this soft nerf football. I believed her to be very old but she probably was thirty-five a the time. I knew that babies had soft spots on the top of their heads and that you could kill them by hitting it. Being the genius that I was, I continued to believe that a person’s fontanel reopened in their mid-sixties until I was nineteen. I was legally eligible to vote. I’ve also written multiple novels, short stories, and essays. Anyone can write.

I’m not exactly an expert in the art of storytelling but I know a little bit. Because of what little I know, I wrote a little book about it with a bunch of little ideas. I named that book Idea Generation because the most common (and most bullshit) excuse I hear from wannabe writers is that they are waiting for the “million dollar idea.”They’re waiting for their Harry Potter level idea. They’re waiting for their Star Wars. For some reason, those same wannabes don’t look into the processes of JK Rowling and George Lucas. Rowling claims she never heard of A Wizard of Earthsea but – for some reason – she claims wizards pooped themselves prior to the adoption of toilets. I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again: never smile at a writer; we’re thieves and liars, all and we’ll steal the fillings straight out your mouth.

Idea Generation and its sequel Doing the Work are part of an ongoing series I’m putting together called Matty Books Good because in general I (Matty) look good but you can’t see my weathered but handsome face through my words. You can’t look at me. However, you can book at me because language is fluid and I can do whatever I want. Book into my eyes and book for whatever weird, hard-won nuggets of knowledge I have. If you like, you can start here. Below, you’ll find a short excerpt from my first book in the series Matty Books Good: Idea Generation.

“Ideas are cheap. Ideas are worthless and right now, I bet you’re ready to close this book and write me off as an idiot. I am an idiot for many reasons, but I’m not wrong in this instance. I’m guessing that you believe in the value of the idea. I mean you picked up this book. You must be in some sort of need. Most people labor under the fantasy of the “Million Dollar Idea.”

This book was once an idea. Star Wars was an idea. Everything that has ever been made by human, monkey, or mole man’s hand was once an idea. If I’m conceding the prior point, then why do I still maintain that ideas are worthless? To answer that, I want you to take thirty seconds to meditate.

When you meditate, you’ll notice ideas drifting in and out of your mind. Random thoughts. Weird thoughts. Whatever you do, don’t think about your mom’s boobs when you’re meditating. Don’t think about the time when she was changing and you slipped in the kitchen, trying to reach the Oreos on the top shelf. Don’t think about how hard you hit the tiled floor and how much it hurt. Don’t think about how you screamed bloody murder, and she dashed in, like a flesh-colored superhero. Don’t think about how her bare boobs flopped and bounced as she hurried to you. Don’t think about her pressing you close to her body, cooing and asking what happened. Don’t think about feeling safe in her arms, and don’t think about how breasts won’t equal safety to you in the very near future. Don’t think about how little distance there is between an innocent five-year-old and a horny twelve-year-old. Don’t think about how your mom’s boobs equaled safety to you but are sexy for someone else. Don’t think about your parents having sex. Don’t think about your Dad’s erection. Just don’t think about any of it.

Okay, now take thirty seconds to be alone with your thoughts.”

Both books in the Matty Books Good series are available in ebook and paperback for about the cost of a cup of coffee, they’re short and I try to make you laugh. There’s little reason not to try it out.


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